The Week.....

This week has been something different.

I believe that God has something planned for us all in this world.  I also believe I have my own mind and I make the choices I make.  This week I have questioned a lot of things about myself and what will make me happy.

Since I have been away from the blogging world I have changed.  I have seen what I can do.  For example designing the first #RDGAI vest…hand made as well. I have seen what the world has to offer and what I can actually do.  But I want to talk about now and what’s going on because I know I will reminisce as I continue to blog later on…..

So this week it has been great weather hasn’t it?.......

I think I have lost myself and what I am.  I go to work and I actually have a good time and when I am around people I feel ok but when I am with my own thoughts I feel pathetic.  Why…… because a few months ago I went on this diet I kind of created #FatDiaries which is a healthy diet because it includes exercise and encourages healthy living AND I felt good about me and a little bit more confident in myself slightly I would say.

There is a point to why I am telling you this in case you’re thinking what’s the point to this……

So when I reached my target weight the point of the diet is to continue with the exercise regime and slowly come off the diet but still encourage healthy living/eating.  AND then Ramadhan (the blessed month in the Islamic calendar where you fast during sunrise till sunset for 30 days) came around and obvi this interrupted my diet because of hunger and less time to do things and when you’re hungry YOU ARE HUNGRY and there’s no patience left for carb counting.

I said to myself after Ramadhan I would go back on to my exercise regime and everything will go back to normal……..IT HAS NOT WORKED OUT THIS WAY.

This week I have felt it all.  I felt disgusting and uncomfortable in my skin.  I didn’t lose weight to gain it again!  The whole point of doing #FatDiaries was so I could lose weight for Wireless Festival 2012! My first festival!  I have this week become obsessed with wanting to be how I can describe Russell Brand thin (please don’t mock me).

I felt low that I just kept on eating more and more.  Everyone says I am fine and healthy but I don’t think understand what I see.  I realise after today (because today all I have done is chilled in my room and watched loads of films and just chilled and forgot about everything else) that I don’t want to be Russell Brand thin but I want to lose more weight and I want to do it for myself.  Like all I see is like thin people around me and that made me feel worse.

What you have to understand is that I love food so I could never just starve myself because food is too good.  The whole point of #RDGAI was to stick to the people who said this is perfect and create my own fashion and rock it the way I want to Rock it.  And I can say right now I truly feel ashamed of myself for thinking that thin is the way forward and that will solve all my problems.  I have even said I would rather be thin and poor than fat and rich.  I think it’s a lot of celebrity culture and lifestyle that makes me want to be this way.

I forgot that my aim was to be healthy rather than thin but I am not going to lie to you, I still want to be slim because I feel I will feel better about myself.  Other may disagree and tell me I am fine.  I forgot everything until I sat in the garden to have my lunch and thought God has given me everything and I want more.  My struggle this week has been a mental struggle and I can’t control my mind and when I feel my face will show what I feel.  I have considered liposuction, but what is perfect?

Surely God made me perfect…….

I am not saying I feel fantastic after today but I am saying that my thoughts are not as destructive on myself.  When I am left in my own company, I think deeply.  Yess looking after your body is important, everyone should be healthy but what differs with me is my version of healthy.  I think seeing people with their perfect bodies and the media’s portrayal of the everyday body has taken me away from what I thought was real.  I should appreciate I have the option to be fat or thin where there are children who just want water and don’t even have that necessity.

I have seen for myself how important God is for me in my life.  I have prayed before I have gone to work and my day has been just great.  So what I am going to concentrate on is my faith and my health.  I am conscience (hope I spelt that right) of who I am and that if I am perfect then I will be accepted.  BUT I have seen that people like me because of who I is, not what I look like.

So this is my blog and these are my goals:

·        Get Healthy

·        Don’t forget what I stand for

·        AND be happy

Thank you for reading this blog because it means a lot to me to just express myself.  If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off, say Bismillah and try again…..